Improved ‘Warrior’ octain and one more


Thank you Caudia for helping me to sort the octain I wrote for One Stop Poetry’s Monday Form.

I have added a syllable to the first/last lines and changed the 5th line to put the internal rhyme in the correct place as you suggested.

You said that lines 2 and 3 should rhyme…I have rhymed rifle with faithful…maybe not a completely accurate rhyme, but I have yet to find a way around it… suggestions welcome!

Here is the latest version, subtly changed but hopefully more accurate:

Warriors
We train them to be strong soldiers
Give them uniforms, a rifle
then expect them to be faithful.

We tell them they are warriors –
they swear a vow, solemnly know
they are their country’s saviours-

We must be for ever mindful
we trained them to be strong soldiers.

In the same vein, I have penned another octain… once again I have taken licence and rhymed bloom with June, and rhyming turn/pattern may be stretching it a bit!

Our Fault
It’s May, and the roses in bloom
clash with the tulips, the iris –
I really don’t understand this.

Roses usually bloom in June
It’s not their turn – seasons’ pattern
now follows a different tune.

Let’s face it, we are not blameless
so – it’s May – the rose is in bloom.

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About SallyJ

I am a writer and a poet.
This entry was posted in natural world, One Stop Poetry, poet, poetry, Uncategorized, writer, writing and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Improved ‘Warrior’ octain and one more

  1. Luke Prater says:

    Two fer the price of one! I’ll leave this to Claudia in terms of crit but upon rewrite of your first, you seem to have really got the knack and your second piece is a fine one also.

    Warm regards and thanks for writing another!

    Luke

    • SallyJ says:

      Thanks for commenting Luke, they are not literary items , but I have enjoyed the form and will definitely use it again.

      • Luke Prater says:

        Hi Sally –

        How would you feel about me including your Octains in a thread I have running on Facebook – nearing 100 mark now – © retained by you of course and I will tag you in it so you can see all Octains written so far if you’re on FB, if not I can email you the entire thing if you like. My FB is on my sidebar on my blog. If not no worries :))

        Kind regards

        Luke

        rapture_elk@yahoo.co.uk

      • SallyJ says:

        Hi Luke,

        Please, be my guest – though are you sure they will do your form credit?

        I am honoured,
        Sally

  2. Luke Prater says:

    Yes, sure. Thank you. Oh I just noticed that line 5 of Warriors has nine syllables rather than eight. If you cut the ‘and’ and put in either a semi colon or a comma tat’d fix it –

    they swear a vow; solemnly know

  3. you have made it well.

    it is good to learn a new poetry form.
    keep it up.

    Greetings,

    How is your day?

    Please share your poetry with JP potluck today,
    Have fun!

    Love your talent, as always, appreciate your support.

    Old poems or poems unrelated to our theme are all welcome!

    xoxox

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