Thank you Caudia for helping me to sort the octain I wrote for One Stop Poetry’s Monday Form.
I have added a syllable to the first/last lines and changed the 5th line to put the internal rhyme in the correct place as you suggested.
You said that lines 2 and 3 should rhyme…I have rhymed rifle with faithful…maybe not a completely accurate rhyme, but I have yet to find a way around it… suggestions welcome!
Here is the latest version, subtly changed but hopefully more accurate:
We train them to be strong soldiers
Give them uniforms, a rifle
then expect them to be faithful.
We tell them they are warriors –
they swear a vow, solemnly know
they are their country’s saviours-
We must be for ever mindful
we trained them to be strong soldiers.
In the same vein, I have penned another octain… once again I have taken licence and rhymed bloom with June, and rhyming turn/pattern may be stretching it a bit!
It’s May, and the roses in bloom
clash with the tulips, the iris –
I really don’t understand this.
Roses usually bloom in June
It’s not their turn – seasons’ pattern
now follows a different tune.
Let’s face it, we are not blameless
so – it’s May – the rose is in bloom.