Well worn slippers

It’s just a pair of well worn slippers
retrieved from under the bed;
nondescript in every way, no shred
of colour on holey, threadbare uppers.

The soles are thin, like paper,
the insides, grey and slubbed –
it’s just a pair of well worn slippers,
retrieved from under the bed.

And yet my demeanour shatters,
eyes fill with tears, unshed –
skin – trembling and goose-bumped
as if touching your dead fingers –
not a pair of well worn slippers
retrieved from under the bed

Advertisements

9 Responses to Well worn slippers

  1. claudia says:

    i like the idea of your rondel a lot – so nice! I also like the slightly changed A Refrain in the last stanza and you made it a Rondel prime by adding another B Refrain at the end – really good
    the structure is very good as well – some of the rhymes don’t work really well for me…think they could be improved…let’s have a look

    all (a) have to rhyme with the other (a) and (A)
    all (b) have to rhyme with the other (b) and (B)

    It’s just a pair of well worn slippers (A)
    retrieved from under the bed; (B)
    nondescript in every way, no shred (b) bed/shred work good
    of colour on holey, threadbare uppers. (a)

    The soles are thin, like paper, (a) uppers/paper not so good for me
    the insides, grey and slubbed – (b)
    it’s just a pair of well worn slippers, (A)
    retrieved from under the bed. (B)

    And yet my demeanour shatters, (a)
    eyes fill with tears, unshed – (b) unshed/bed works well
    skin – trembling and goose-bumped (b)
    as if touching your dead fingers – (a) fingers/shatters works not so good for me (you have the same ending “ers” but i feel for fingers there should be a word with another “i” like lingers, singers..
    not a pair of well worn slippers (A)
    retrieved from under the bed (A)

    if you are unsure which rhymes work well, you can use rhyme tools like rhymezone.com
    and i have to add, i’m german and english is only my second language – so it could be that the rhymes work, depending in which part of the world you are and how you pronounce it – this is just my very personal humble opinion.

    • SallyJ says:

      Wow, Claudia, such a brilliant critique – thank you very much for taking so much time over this rondel. I agree that some of the rhymes are not as strong as they could be. I will work one them. I am also less than content with lines 11 and twelve. I feel an edit coming on.
      Thank you again for such insight and thoughtful comments

  2. wolfsrosebud says:

    Worn slippers are comfort food for the feet. Interesting write.

  3. Heaven says:

    well worn slippers remind me of home ~

  4. brian says:

    nice…you ring lots of emotion out of this and play nikce to form…have a kid i work with that keeps a couple pair of his moms shoes since she passed…

  5. Mark says:

    What happened at the end there? Was a well-gone pair of grey mice retrieved from under the bed?

  6. Doveonfire says:

    AKA Tom Eliot:

    I was already enjoying your poem and then my appreciation lurched skyward with the dead fingers line. Good choice too, concentrating on the slippers an evocative idea.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s