One Shot Wednesday

The Doe (istock photo)

This is a work in progress and I would appreciate any comments that will help me knock it in to shape so I am posting it for One-Shot Wednesday.

No horizon,
Low clouds meld
With stricken meadow,
Distant silver birch, tarnished streaks
In blasted landscape. Field levelled
By frost –  thick as snow.
Single tracks criss cross
Into tangled thicket. Bramble coils,
Threaded, razored blockade beneath
Willow whips. Birch withies
Flex in windswept time with
Blasted, beech branches.

Follow that single track upwind.
Stand sentinel by thorny barricade.
That wad of desiccated leaves,
Fawn and lifeless – trace it with your eye.
Move just your eye. Follow
The gentle curve to cream oval tuft – and
Back again. Look beyond
The skein of khaki stalks.
Sketch dark, damp glistening stone.
See it twitch?         Be still, be silent.
She knows you’re here.

Watch her ears,
Furred sienna trumpets, raise
And twist to trap the scratch
Of your breath. You will
Not keep her. Be ready  –  the doe will
Rise and run in one smooth,
Fluid move, breach the bramble barrier,
Duck under scrabbling branches,
Leap and zig and bound
And zag and rise over
Hedge, ditch, fence – alluring,
Graceful and then – stop.

With single bark, hoarse echoing warning,
She’ll blend her winter, biscuit- beige body
Tidily, quietly with
The frozen,

About SallyJ

I am a writer and a poet.
This entry was posted in garden, natural world, One Stop Poetry, poetry, Uncategorized, wildlife and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to One Shot Wednesday

  1. jaytale says:

    Found you. Very image rich. A lovely scene but sometimes this can be strengthened by taking some words away. ‘Low clouds meld horizon with stricken meadow’ Do you need ‘distant’ with silver birch? ‘Razored bramble blockage’ perhaps? Poetry is so personal, it’s unfair to pull another poet’s apart but maybe this is the sort of thing you are looking to for? J.

  2. dustus says:

    I do like it so far, especially because it seems different and experimental in light of your other poems. That being said, perhaps start a new stanza at “Field levelled
    By frost ” and try to eliminate or reword some of your uses of articles to begin lines (the, that) to tighten it up a bit. Think you have a great poem in the works and thanks for opening yourself up to feedback.

  3. SallyJ says:

    Thank you Adam. I love to get feedback , especially at this stage . It is exciting when the poem can go in so many directions. I see what you mean about the line beginnings – definitely need work. It is certainly in the nature of an experiment for me – especially the second person commanding voice – ‘Look’ , ‘See’, and so forth.

  4. brian says:

    nice…i love all the nature imagery…so are you looking for where to go with it or what to do with what you have? if what you have i like the direction you give in the second stanza pointing us to follow, look…i would break those out, make them more prominent it gives a sense of urgency to your words and sets it apart from the peaceful images you paint with…

  5. SallyJ says:

    Good idea Brian – I think I will break it into less ‘even’ chunks. by trying to stick to the same number of lines in the first 3 stanzas, I have lost something. I need to be confident enough to free it more perhaps.
    Thanks for the help – I really appreciate the input

  6. honeyhaiku says:

    Rich and luscious are these words and the images you conjured. Very pretty.

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